Beauty and the Beast

 

No, this isn’t about the Disney movie. Sorry to disappoint.

Marley and I were shopping in the store the other day we walked past the ice cream aisle and she asked me “Mom, when Derek breaks up with you, are you gonna buy all of the ice cream and eat it all?”.

It wasn’t necessarily the fact that she was playing into female stereotypes, as if we as women are unable to handle a break up when it happens, but more so the fact that she asked when. Not if… But when.

Her father and I divorced when she was young so she has no recollection of us even actually living together other than a few pictures that I’ve let her save. She did go through the stage where she often asked why her dad and I couldn’t be married anymore. That was rough! Not enough wine some nights. She would walk in my room late at night and explained to me that she had feelings too( very matter of fact) and that she wanted her father and I to get back together. I was unprepared for this conversation seeing as how she never knew us as an actual couple. I did what any halfway decent mama would do and told her that her father and I were happier apart and therefore she would be happier having parents who are also happy.

I don’t believe in living in a broken home;I would rather come from one as I did myself. I use the term broken very loosely because I don’t feel like it was ever broken and I also don’t feel like it had any long-term impacts on me or who I am today. I was fortunate enough that my mother met a man when I was around my daughter’s age and he gladly filled the role of father for me.

This is probably why I get so irate when any of my previous exes have always thrown the term “daddy issues “at me. It seems every time we got into an argument or fight it would always resort back to you “well it’s your daddy issues showing”. To me this is the equivalent of telling me that I’m crazy( for fucks sake men, haven’t you learned by now?) Because there must be some correlation between the fact that my biological father didn’t raise me and the fact that I have a problem not keeping my mouth shut and calling people out on their bullshit, right?

In light of recent events in Hollywood, I’ve been reading a lot of articles comparing masculinity and femininity and sexual assault and harassment. Mainly because it’s unavoidable and I need time killers at work some days.

I’m not going to get into sexual assault or harassment but I will tell you that there are genuine differences between men and women that are physical and emotional; overall it is our genetic make up that make us so different from one another. I feel over the last 40 to 50 years we’ve taken these differences in our genders and turned them into something to be disdained instead of appreciated.

I am about the last person anybody would ever call a feminist despite the fact I’ve spent the better part of the last decade of my life fighting against female stereotypes in a very male-dominated field. However, I don’t feel as though I personally felt discriminated against. I actually think it was my competitive, A type personality that drove me to be better than everybody, not just men. I never felt like I was an advocate for women in my career path. Speaking with other women they had very different experiences.

Currently, I’m transitioning from a career mom to a stay at home mom. This transition also involves a move into Derek’s house. It has been over 10 years since I actually cohabitated with a man I was in a relationship with full-time. For the last 10 years I have been that independent, single mother. Can I just tell you how fucking exhausting that has been?

Playing both the man and woman roles sucks! Some women are boldly independent and preach about how awesome it is and how they’re so amazing because they do this great job and they don’t need any man’s help. Congratulations to you.

I call bullshit. Not only have I needed help, I actually wanted help although my stubborn, stupid, independence often prevented me from having it. I think I have finally come to the realization that I am too old to do this shit and I don’t want to do it alone.

So, I’m hanging up my working uniform and trading it in for an apron. OK not really an apron because let’s be real I can’t bake to save my life. More like trading it in for yoga pants, and of course, more wine. ( is there ever enough?) You see, all I’ve heard from people is that stay at home moms have the hardest job in the world. I definitely agree with that, which is why I feel like I’m going to lose a whole other role whenever I no longer have to go to work every day.

Do I feel as though I’m giving up a huge part of myself in doing so? Only the part that strived to get through life as a strong, independent woman. You see, I now know that I am capable of doing so, I just no longer choose to.

I choose to be barefoot in the kitchen. I choose to be the primary caregiver of my children. I choose to do the housework and sing loudly to my apple music while doing so. I will cook dinner and do the dishes. I will drive the kids to school, and pick them up. I will do the shopping. I will serve Derek dinner and pack his lunch for work the next day. I will do all of this and do you know where Derek will be? In the garage. Or, possibly having a jack and coke while watching some B rated horror flick. Only when he’s not tinkering in the yard of course.

Derek and I’s relationship works quite well because we both agreed to the roles we were going to play; we refer to it as the “inside,outside” agreement. He does all the things outside and I do all of the things inside. That isn’t to say that we don’t help one another but the majority of the time we stay in our designated place. We are successful because I let him fill the role of a man, and I fill the role of a woman.

His role is to protect and provide. My role is to nurture and support. His role is to start 5 projects at once. Mine is to keep him focused on one task at a time. He is the strength. I am the one who makes informed decisions. I am reason. He is action.

I’m not throwing a wrench in decades of progress for women; I AM saying that men want to be men. I’m saying that women can have the attributes I talk about above, but in my experience the more actively you try to act on those attributes, you’re interfering with your significant other’s basic instinct. Men are simple. They eat, shit, work, fuck, and play. You start taking over both roles in your relationship and you’ll quickly find yourself with a child to raise, or alone.

I’m sure there are many couples who share all the responsibilities and are happy and functional. I am also certain that since women became such a dominant force in the work place( why? Because we’re bad ass mofos), the divorce rates have sky rocketed. I’m not telling you to abandon your hopes and dreams to be a servant to some man who will procreate with you. I’m just suggesting that we, as smart and capable women, choose our battles wisely, and choose to let our men be men more often.